Cozy and Warm

Today I took down the holiday decorations. The joyfulness is over. Now it’s back to normal, everyday life.

Today on the WWGHA forum, someone posted the question “Which Deadly Sin Are You?”. It didn’t take much thinking to decide that I am Sloth (Acedia).

Lest you think my home is a pig sty, further explanation is probably necessary. I have not had a paying job in over two years. I work my ass off at home, cleaning, shopping, cooking, doing laundry, etc., but I do not have a paying job.

Since my son’s death, I find it very difficult to put up with people and the inevitable crap and baggage they bring with them to nearly every situation. When dealing with the general public, I used to assist, coddle and acquiesce; however, now I mock them, ignore them, or completely avoid them. Since my profession was in customer service, this newfound inability to tolerate idiots disqualifies me for that type of work.

I have considered going back to school to learn new things and get a job doing something else, but right now I am too lazy to read textbooks, write term papers, and I seriously can’t see myself sucking up to a professor (who would probably be several years my junior) to get an ‘A’, which is the only grade I ever settled for in the past.

Where does this leave me? At home, cozy and warm, that’s where. I’m not sure which vice my hubby suffers from in order to tolerate my “deadly sin”, but he seems happy enough, and at this stage in my life, that’s really all I want at the end of the day.

Christmastime is Here

The tree is trimmed; presents are nestled beneath. Cookies are baking in the oven; their aroma fills the house. Carols happily play on the stereo, a festive wreath hangs on the front door, and holiday cards are displayed. From all outward appearances, my home looks like many Christian households. However: Ritual is not to be equated with religious belief.

I enjoy the trappings of the holiday, but the reason I celebrate is not a religious one. My holiday is purely secular...in fact, I only call it Christmas because it is socially convenient to do so. Christmas for me is, and has been for many years, a time to appreciate family and friends, indulge in food and fun, and reflect on the year that is rapidly coming to a close. No god required.

This year has been kind: while the sorrow of my son’s loss still looms large in my life, there have been happy times to be grateful for. My loved ones are, for the most part, healthy and happy. I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge, a few dollars in the bank, and a loving husband to share my life with. To ask for more might seem greedy when there are people truly suffering in the world, so I am trying to be content.

I wish you peace, contentment and joy this holiday season, however you choose to celebrate.

Bookstore Bandit

Yesterday I spent the afternoon with my friend Grace. (I’ve mentioned her on this blog before; she had a bad car accident a few months ago and still can’t walk or drive.) She was feeling a little cooped up at home, so we went to her favorite bookstore and then out for lunch.

While we were at the bookstore, I picked up a paperback I was considering adding to my collection. As I was glancing at it, I found several gift receipts tucked between the pages. Apparently this book and several others had been returned to the store recently and the clerk inadvertently left the receipts inside. I turned to my friend to show her what I found and remarked that a less honest person than myself could walk up to the cashier right now and return a book they had not purchased. Grace asked to see the receipts, which I handed to, and then I continued with my book browsing.

A moment later I turned to find her stuffing paperback books into her oversized purse. The dishonest idea that occurred to me, which I would not do, was materializing before my very eyes! She then proceeded to scour the bookstore for the titles on the gift receipts which she added to her now bulging purse. I kept my distance and continued to browse and make my purchases.

As we left the store and headed back to the car to go out for lunch, we had this exchange:

Grace: I hope you don’t think less of me because of what just happened.
Me: It was my idea. I just wouldn’t actually do it. It’s not worth it.
Grace: It was worth it for me. I just don’t want you to think less of me.
Me: Don’t worry about it.

She then went on to justify her actions by saying she purchased more books than she would have because she had the extra credit from the “returns”. Obviously she felt guilty about what she did, but I wasn’t going to lecture her about it or offer her absolution.

This experience makes me wonder if she is worthy of my trust in other areas of our relationship. I am trying not to judge her too harshly as she has recently been through the trauma of an accident, several surgeries, and has been basically house-bound since the accident. She has medical bills and legal fees piling up and is still unable to work. Somehow I don’t see how $40 worth of paperback books is going to put an end to her troubles.

Yes, dishonest ideas come to my mind; however it is my belief that the punishment would far outweigh any possible gain I might experience from participating in an illegal activity. If I could steal enough money to disappear to my own private island, that would be tempting; anything less isn’t.

Blue Christmas Part II

I’m having mixed emotions about the holiday season. For the first time since my son’s death, I’m actually looking forward to the holidays. The first year I completely avoided Christmas and the rest of my family by taking a vacation. I didn’t even buy presents. The following year, we were conveniently planning another cross-country move. I begged off holiday gatherings and decorating because I was once again putting all of my earthly possessions into cardboard boxes. Presents were purchased, but I was devoid of any feeling of holiday cheer.

But this year, I find myself longing for the traditional holiday trappings: shopping, wrapping, decorating, sending cards, cooking, baking and listening to Christmas music. The only thing missing is my son; thus the mixed emotions.

I bought extravagant gifts for my niece and nephew and spent a little too much on the rest of the family, too. Maybe I am overcompensating. If I am honest with myself, there’s no maybe about it.

I miss all of the mundane tasks that came with mothering and with Christmas approaching I am reminded even more than usual that something very important is missing from my life. Daily life is too quiet and holidays are especially quiet.

So, in an effort to foster the tiny spark of holiday cheer I am feeling, I got a few decorations out yesterday and bought a new artificial tree (albeit a very small one). Even the weather is cooperating; the last few days have been unseasonably cold here in Arizona, with low temps just below freezing. Brrrr! I dug out my Christmas CD’s and DVD’s and am preparing to assault my senses with as many cheerful sights and sounds as humanly possible.

Even with all of these hopeful activities, I know I am going to have myself at least one good cry this holiday season. I just hope it’s not in the middle of a mall crowded with shoppers.

(See Archives: 8/6/06)