Blue Christmas Part II

I’m having mixed emotions about the holiday season. For the first time since my son’s death, I’m actually looking forward to the holidays. The first year I completely avoided Christmas and the rest of my family by taking a vacation. I didn’t even buy presents. The following year, we were conveniently planning another cross-country move. I begged off holiday gatherings and decorating because I was once again putting all of my earthly possessions into cardboard boxes. Presents were purchased, but I was devoid of any feeling of holiday cheer.

But this year, I find myself longing for the traditional holiday trappings: shopping, wrapping, decorating, sending cards, cooking, baking and listening to Christmas music. The only thing missing is my son; thus the mixed emotions.

I bought extravagant gifts for my niece and nephew and spent a little too much on the rest of the family, too. Maybe I am overcompensating. If I am honest with myself, there’s no maybe about it.

I miss all of the mundane tasks that came with mothering and with Christmas approaching I am reminded even more than usual that something very important is missing from my life. Daily life is too quiet and holidays are especially quiet.

So, in an effort to foster the tiny spark of holiday cheer I am feeling, I got a few decorations out yesterday and bought a new artificial tree (albeit a very small one). Even the weather is cooperating; the last few days have been unseasonably cold here in Arizona, with low temps just below freezing. Brrrr! I dug out my Christmas CD’s and DVD’s and am preparing to assault my senses with as many cheerful sights and sounds as humanly possible.

Even with all of these hopeful activities, I know I am going to have myself at least one good cry this holiday season. I just hope it’s not in the middle of a mall crowded with shoppers.

(See Archives: 8/6/06)