Therapeutic Writing

Anyone who knows anything about therapy probably knows about the therapeutic value of writing letters to vent and express emotions to people who have hurt them. They key is to use the letter for therapy only…you’re not supposed to mail the letter. Expressing your feelings to another person in the form of a letter is therapeutic even if that person never reads the letter or knows what your feelings are.

My father and I don’t have a good relationship right now...maybe we never did. Dad is an alcoholic, a diagnosed manic-depressive (bi-polar), and possibly a sociopath. He is at times violent, angry, and selfish and he is always unapologetic. He is 64 years old and retired, but I’m still waiting for him to grow up.

I could write a book about all of the rotten crap he has done to me in my life, but I’m not interested in dredging up all that old pain. I’m trying to deal with the most recent load of crap that he has dumped into my life, and since I have a blog I’m doing it in cyberspace.

This is the letter I will never mail.

Dear Dad,

I wish you had taken the time to listen to what I wanted to say to you on the phone the other night.

I wanted to tell you that your behavior and your attitude are hurting your family.

When you get drunk in public, drive drunk and steal things you hurt the whole family and make me doubt your trustworthiness.

By refusing to listen to what I have to say about these issues, you show total disregard for my feelings.

Your drinking doesn’t just affect you and your health. You don’t take care of yourself, so how can I trust you to take care of Mom if she gets sick?

Mom wants to retire next year, but if you continue to have legal problems, she will have to keep working to pay your fines.

Mom wanted to plan a trip for the two of you to visit me in my new home, but with your legal problems I don’t know if you will be allowed to travel. And frankly, I don’t feel I can trust you to behave properly in my home.

I am not asking you to change. You are who you are, and I understand that, but you have said and done many unkind things over the years and I am frustrated and hurt by your blatantly unapologetic nature.

Maybe it is too much to expect you to apologize, but that’s what I wanted to hear that night on the phone. I wanted you to say, “I’m sorry” and I wanted to feel like you really meant it.

Over the years there have been many things that I would have liked an apology for; the beatings I received as a child, the distance between our family and the rest of the relatives during the years that you were not speaking to them, the times you didn’t come home for dinner because you were drinking at the bar, the hateful things you said to me about my son after he died, and now this most recent incident in which you once again put your own needs over those of your family.

I will respect your decision if you decide not to get help for your drinking problem, but I will no longer put myself in a position to be hurt by you. If that means I have to limit my contact with you, I will do so.

I love you, Dad and I hope you decide to get help, for your health and the sake of your family.